


On the Legitimacy of Mistletoe

by sensational_legislational



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Christmas, F/F, Fluff, Holidays, Mistletoe, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-14 02:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12998016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sensational_legislational/pseuds/sensational_legislational
Summary: Perhaps the most respected subfield within imperative holidays is mistletoe and its legitimacy. Despite impressive progress in understanding many aspects of cross-planetary culture, Terezi Pyrope knows precious little about the festive and traditional systems on planets outside Alternia.(1) But with the help of a human and the motivation of a cute girlfriend, perhaps the cultural bridge can be crossed.(1)On The Legitimacy of High Courts, https://pages.wustl.edu/files/pages/imce/jlgibson/apsr1998.pdf [Abridged]





	On the Legitimacy of Mistletoe

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in a timeline where Gamzee's rampage was stopped before he got to Nepeta and Equius, causing them all to be on the meteor at the same time. Talk about a full house.

Dave Strider had done several things in his life that he regretted.

There were times when even the depths of his lyrical mind had a flaw in the rhythm. A bump in the beat. A metaphorical scratch on a metaphorical record. Hell, a literal scratch on a literal record.

But showing Terezi Pyrope a series of campy Christmas-themed movies took the metaphorical cake.

Of course, Dave knew it was inevitable that he would make the decision. Partly because of curiosity as to  _ how _ exactly she’d watch the movies, and partly because Terezi was full enough of surprises to make a boring trip through the fenestrated walls a little more interesting.

But this? This was just ridiculous.

Dave vaguely gazed at the hurricane zone. And by hurricane zone, he meant the study. Books had been thrown with reckless abandon across the room, with papers sprinkling various surfaces like a cilantro garnish on tomato soup. Browsing the center of a bookshelf was the culprit. The eye of the hurricane. Ha. Blind joke.

“Rez,” said Dave. “What in the shitting hell.”

“Oh, Dave!” Terezi said. “Perhaps you could assist me in my research.”

“If by ‘research’ you mean the collective wrecking of this study, I think you’ve done all the work already.”

“Nope,” she said, descending from her tiptoes and turning to face Dave, book in hand. “I’ve been scrounging this human bookden for specific information on human law!”

“And why in hell would you need specific information on human law?” said Dave, unimpressed.

“I’m glad you asked!” Terezi began pacing, stepping over several volumes of fiction. “Your tradition of the hanging of white berries has me most perplexed! Not only is it a strange custom with no Alternian equivalent, but it appears to violate all your human romantic consent laws.” Dave cracked a small smile.

“I think you’re missing the basic point here. Do traditions have to follow laws? I mean, ethically.”

“That’s a can of grubs for another day.” Terezi dismissed the idea with a wave of her hand. “What I really wanna know is how this stuff works! The twelfth perigree’s eve is coming up and it must be perfectly human!”

“Alright, I guess I’ll just ignore how batshit crazy of a direction your statements are heading. How did you find anything about human laws anyway?”

“I’ve been looking through this study all morning and finding a wealth of knowledge!”

“You mean to tell me... you’ve apparently found books about human judicial tendencies in this study that has never seen or cared about Earth?” Terezi frowned.

“You had your Earth movies.”

“Fair point. No clue where those came from.”

“See? Justified.” Terezi threw a book over her shoulder. “There appear to be several contradictions in your human traditions and customs.”

“Well, yeah. Humanity is hella broad. I don’t think you’d be able to find much here.”

“Which is why I sent for you!”

“Okay. I just walked in here because I heard you licking the pages, but okay.”

“If you’d kindly answer a few questions, it would be appreciated a lot by me!”

“Sure. Whatever.”

“Excellent!”

 

\--

 

“Terezi!” Nepeta had shouted about a day ago.

“What is it, Nep?” Terezi had replied. Nepeta bounded into the room, with an Alternian calendar in her paws. Hands. Hand paws.

“It’ll be the twelfth perigree’s eve in just two days! I’m so excited!” Her eyes sparkled with a feral glint, tail swishing in delight. Terezi’s heart melted at the sight of her exuberance.

“We’ve been here for forever!”

“I know! Furever!”

“What are we gonna do to celebrate the twelfth?”

“Who knows!” Nepeta tossed the calendar somewhere else in the room and pounced on Terezi in an enthusiastic hug. “It’s gonna be so much fun!” Terezi stumbled a little, but welcomed the embrace with a flush of teal on her face. The feeling of Nepeta’s warmth was so delectable to her, she held her tighter.

“Girls, girls. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but can you not, like, throw shit everywhere?” Dave said, having almost been smacked in the head with a flying calendar. Both of them ignored him.

“Terezi!”

“Yes, dear sweet Nepeta?”

“Have I told you how nice you look today?”

“I have no idea how I look!”

“You look pawsitively exquisite!”

“ >:D !”

“How did you do that with your mouth!”

“I don’t know!”

“I can’t believe this,” commented Dave from the sidelines. “Being ignored. On Christmas. Or at least the days preceding.”

“Humans celebrate the twelfth?” inquired Nepeta from within a pile of Terezi.

“Sure, unless you’re Jewish. We’ve got a couple winter holidays.”

“Do your lusii bring in a behemoth leaving and everything?” Nepeta was now thoroughly engaged in the concept Dave was introducing. Terezi released her embrace and immediately wished she hadn’t.

“I have no idea what in hell you just said, but probably?”

“Pawsome!” Nepeta once again leapt into Terezi’s arms. “Terezi! We should spend the Twelfth like humans!”

“That sounds fun! What do you think, Dave?”

“Eh. It doesn’t involve me.”

“Yeah,  _ sure _ it won’t.” Terezi winked, but Dave didn’t see through her shades. However, he caught her tone and her little smile.

“Shit. Okay. I’ll just go over here and uh… prepare for the encounter that isn’t gonna happen.” Terezi nodded slightly.

 

\--

 

“You see, Dave, as a former denizen of Earth, you could have some vital information concerning this issue!” Terezi brandished the book she was holding by Dave’s face.

“Uh, okay. Jeez. Just… put the book down. I’ll talk.” She lowered her book and grinned deviously.

“Very well! Take a seat. Your interrogation will begin shortly.” Dave knew the best thing to do was play along. Plus, it was kinda fun.

Dave swept off the layer of books and papers that covered a plain metal chair. He sat down, grabbing his right hand with his left just behind the back of the chair. Just like in the movies.

Terezi stood facing away from Dave, with her hands behind her back in a stately manner.

“First question, Mr. Strider,” she growled in her best legislacerator imitation.

“Shoot.” Terezi turned around and bared her teeth at Dave.

“Where can I find one of these mistle toes?” Dave slowly connected the dots.

“Whoa, wait. You wanna know because of your girlfriend? I thought you wanted to poke holes in human justice or some shit. I gotta say, that’s cute as hell.”

“Answer the question!”

“Uhh, around? I bet you can make some with the replicator.”

“Replicator?”

“The machine thing that makes food for us in the main hall? I dunno what the thing’s called. I only care about the food.”

“Hmm, intriguing.” Terezi circled around the chair like a prowling beast. She must have picked that up from Nepeta. “Would you happen to know how exactly to carry out a… plan of action concerning this human tradition?”

“TZ. My dude. If you wanted to get my help in setting up something for your cat girlfriend, you could have just, like, asked. No use beating around the bush.”

“She’s not my girlfriend. Yet. What’s a bush?”

“You know, a shrubbery? A leafy plant that isn’t a tree? I guess you guys call it something different like a Foliage Sphere or some shit like that. Hell if I know.” Terezi dropped her facade.

“It would appear my schemes are transparent. Someday, Strider, I’ll best you.”

“Unlikely. So what’s the plan?”

“You’ll help me out, then?” A grin swept across her face.

“Hell yeah.”

 

\--

In response to Terezi’s multiple pleads for lessons in human holiday culture, Dave found no choice but to give in. It was in the previous day that he grasped in his hands a wealth of knowledge and festivity. On the iridescent CDs in his hand, one name linked all of them with a thread of commonality.

_ Hallmark _ .

“Okay. We’ll start with the trash and work up from there to the less trashy trash,” said Dave, setting out the disks in front of him. He selected one and held it up.

“Mistletoe Over Manhattan. Sounds festive,” he said. Terezi immediately leapt up and took a big, long lick at the CD.

“Okay, first of all, rude,” said Dave, recoiling in surprise.

“I love the red! Is it customary to have so much red?”

“I guess? I dunno. That and green.”

“Why is the title so short?”

“It’s not that short. One time I saw a movie called IT and lemme tell you…”

“I love the mystery! Show me your Earth film!”

“Jeez. Okay.” He popped the disk in the player. The very first thing Terezi did was lick the TV, leaving a shimmering wet stain on the screen.

“Can’t you, like, smell colors too? Seems a little excessive to me.”

“I can’t smell all those words together. They’re all fuzzy.”

“That was the anti-piracy statement. You didn’t need to read that.”

“Seems to me like someone wants to stand in the way of my thirst for knowledge!”

“Okay, okay, damn. I’ll shut up, okay?”

“I’ll need all my senses! Please do shut up.” And shut up Dave did. His silent obedience was rewarded with her mirrored silence. Terezi sat unmoving for much of the film, taking in every detail with extreme concentration. It was eerily similar to the way John used to look while watching a Cage film. Dave missed him. They all missed him.

“Pause it!” Terezi cried. Dave obeyed. She scampered up to the screen and licked it again, taking her time to taste every pixel.

“What are those white berries? They look poisonous.”

“Oh, that’s mistletoe. You’re supposed to hang it over a doorway or something. If two people are under it at the same time, they’re supposed to kiss.”

“Why?”

“Who knows? It gives horny teenagers an excuse to snog.”

“Huh.” She resumed her seat in front of the screen. “Continue.” Dave pressed the play button, unaware of the ideas building up in her brain.

 

\--

 

It was the night before the twelfth perigree’s eve, and the meteor was silent. Nearly everyone was asleep somewhere, except a few stragglers. Among those were Dave and Terezi.

“Presumably, we should hang this in a high-traffic doorway,” said Terezi, mistletoe in hand. It wasn’t exactly mistletoe by definition, more like scalemate button eyes glued to a pair of bay leaves. The food machine didn’t exactly define poisonous berries as food, so they had to improvise with the easiest option.

“That’s the idea,” said Dave, walking alongside her.

“But if the traffic is too heavy, an unwanted encounter may occur.”

“Literally nobody else knows what mistletoe is. Except Rose. I think you’re safe.”

“You raise an excellent point! But how will we educate Nepeta on its meaning without giving away the surprise?”

“Don’t ask me, I just work here. Just… be cool about it? Be like, ‘Hey Nepeta, remember how we talked about human twelfth pedigree-’”

“Perigree.”

“Right. ‘And how you wanted to celebrate it like a human for some reason? We’ll I’ll tell you stories. Mountains of stories. All kinds of story shit. You won’t believe your mind.’ And then you sorta let it take you wherever you wanna go. Like skiing.”

“What’s skiing?”

“Never mind. Just more human words.”

“Am I supposed to say the human words too?”

“I think you missed my point by several parsecs.” Terezi made a disgruntled expression. She stopped in the doorway between the main living area and a branching hallway, indicating that this was her doorway of choice.

“As long as I can get both of us under it, this should work perfectly! Hand me the glue,” she said. Dave handed over the craft glue they used to build their almost-mistletoe. Terezi squirted a glob onto the back and handed the glue back to Dave. She reached up towards the top of the doorframe, then stopped.

“Dave, do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“Footsteps.”

“That’s probably your blind superpowers. Let’s get this over with, stat.”

“Dave.”

“What.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Of course. Here, I’ll grab you a chair-”

“There’s no time! Give me a boost.”

“What? Do you want me to like, be a platform? Like some sorta furniture?”

“Just do it!”

“Fine! Alright! In the process! Damn! Okay!” Dave reluctantly pressed his palms to the floor and braced his back. Now he could hear the footsteps through the hall. They were too heavy to be Nepeta’s. Terezi hopped onto Dave’s back, although a little more hurriedly than he would have liked.

“Dave!”

“What!” he grunted.

“Don’t move! The glue needs to dry for a few seconds!”

“Oh for chrissakes…”

“It’s almost done!”

The footsteps stopped and Dave turned his head.

“You shouldn’t have used glue,” Rose said. She was standing over Dave, raising her eyebrow at him amusedly.

“It’s not what it looks like,” said Dave. “I’m an innocent man.”

“It’s exactly what it looks like.”

“You’re right. Lock me up, Officer.” he mumbled.

“Terezi, is that for Nepeta?”

“That’s none of your business! But yes. Yes it is.”

“Interesting.”

“Don’t tell her.”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Can you get off me now?” grunted Dave.

“Nah,” said Terezi, who had taken her hand off the mistletoe once Rose showed up.

Dave tilted to the side ever so slightly, placing an unfortunate Terezi in a teetering situation.

“Dave! Stop! I’m getting down!” She tentatively stepped onto the floor with one foot.

“Foiled again, Rez. I have bested you once more.” She gave a last shove with her foot before bringing it to the floor. Dave made several sounds of exaggerated agony, then rolled over and looked up at their handiwork.

“Huh. Doesn’t look like shit.”

“Well done, Terezi,” said Rose unreadably. “I think I might try it out later.”

“Whatever that means,” Dave said. “Just stay out of our biz. And by ‘biz’, I mean business.”

“Yes, that’s very nice. So this never happened?”

“This never happened.” Rose nodded curtly and strutted off, probably holding secrets unattainable to mankind.

Dave returned to his feet and stretched his back.

“Thanks for that. I’ll be feeling a Terezi-foot-shaped dent in my back for at least two weeks after this.”

“You’re welcome.”

“So now what?”

“Now for the hardest part of the plan.”

“The girl?”

“The girl.”

 

\--

 

Nepeta awoke to her lover’s shining morning face.

“Terezi!”

“Hey there, kitty.” Nepeta’s eyes lit up with first the sight of Terezi, and second the memory of what day it was.

“It’s the twelfth!”

“You know it is! I’ve got a surprise for you! Get dressed!”

“What kind of surprise?” she said, rummaging her space for her clothes.

“It’s a surprise.”

“Oh! Okay!” They smiled at each other, each blushing a shade of green.

“I’ll... be getting breakfast in the main hall. What should I get you?”

“Whatever you’re having is fine! I know you have purrfect taste.”

“See you out there, Nep!”

“I can’t wait to see what you’ve purrpared!”

“Me neither!” Terezi rushed out into the hall, wiping her sweaty palms on her shirt. This was gonna be it. She clenched her fists in anxiety. She was gonna kiss Nepeta today.

She made a beeline to the food machine, head down and lips closed.

“Getting cold feet?” said Dave, who had staked out a claim on a nearby armchair.

“I’m a tealblood,” she muttered. “My feet are colder than the warmer bloods.”

“C’mon. You  _ had _ to know that was an idiom.”

“I had the impression.” She typed in the code for two festive grubloaves.

“I get it, I get it. I’d be nervous too. But you caved in my entire back. That couldn’t have been for nothing. You’re doing this whether you like it or not.”

“I’ll definitely like it.”

“See? Then what are you worried about?”

“Of course I’m worried. We’re too flushed to be not worried.” She opened the door of the food machine and took out the fresh loaves, thoughts of Nepeta buzzing through her head. “Not to mention we haven’t kissed before now.”

“Well, you’d better worry harder. She’s coming down the hall,” said Dave softly. Terezi almost dropped the loaves in a flurry of panic. She put them on a nearby table and recollected herself. She took a deep breath and waited for Nepeta.

She was practically skipping toward Terezi, golden eyes brighter than actual gold. Her tail followed her in a neat swishing pattern, and her sights were set on her and her alone. By the Sufferer, was Terezi a lucky girl.

“Is the surprise before or after breakfast?”

“Um… before.” She could hardly form the words. She took another deep breath and glanced at Dave, who was either absorbed in a book or watching the conversation over the book. It was too hard to tell past his shades.

“Nepeta,” she said, grabbing one of her hands in her own. Nepeta’s eyes grew wide and her smile parted into a soft gasp. “There’s a human tradition that I found two days ago in Dave’s human movies.”

Nepeta nodded.

“And I thought you might like it.”

Nepeta nodded again. Terezi could barely breathe. She began leading Nepeta to the mistletoed doorframe, and Nepeta complied.

“In these movies, the humans would hang a particular plant above them in doorframes. It’s called mistletoe.”

“Mistletoe?”

“Yeah. And it is the order of the tradition to stand under it until someone you are flushed for is also standing under it.”

Nepeta was silent, but she was hanging on to every word.

“And then, once both are under the mistletoe, they kiss each other.”

“That’s really cute,” whispered Nepeta, looking almost transfixed.

“And that’s why I’ve made you this surprise.” Terezi softly said. “Look up.”

Nepeta gazed up at the mistletoe she found herself under. Terezi held her breath and felt her heart escalating to a musclebeast’s pace. Nepeta’s head tilted back down at her, and she braced for the worst.

An enormous grin grew on Nepeta’s face until it encompassed its full width. Terezi smiled sheepishly.

And then, like a lion pounces on its prey, Nepeta wholly and thoroughly pounced upon Terezi in a saccharine, heart-thumping, spinning-in-a-circle kiss.

To Terezi, it felt like days before their lips disconnected. The rush of emotion going through both of them was enough to fuel a nuclear power generator.

“Thank you,” said Nepeta, breathing heavily.

“It’s the best thing I could think to give you,” said Terezi.

It was as if everything was right. Everything was as it should be. And as long as they were together, Nepeta and Terezi would never falter. Never bend, never break. If only they could stay like that forever.

Rose sighed, breaking the moment clean in half.

“That’ll be hard to beat,” she said. The intertwined girls each turned their heads to discover both Rose and Kanaya, sharing a spot under the mistletoe.

“I think we can do better,” said Rose.

“Agreed,” said Kanaya.

Rose and Kanaya slowly eased into each others’ embraces, their breaths in perfect sync. Rose smiled coyly at Kanaya, eyes hooded and arms tightening. Kanaya likewise parted her lips in maidenly grace, pulling Rose closer. Terezi and Nepeta stared as the rival lesbians thoroughly one-upped them in passion and connection.

“That’s no fair!” said Nepeta. “Terezi! They can’t get away with this!”

“Right ahead of you,” said Terezi, mimicking Rose’s gradual graceful demeanor. Nepeta’s eyes widened in her own brand of submissive charm. Once again, they connected. Terezi tried tongue, and Nepeta didn’t object.

“Dave!” said Kanaya. Dave looked up from his book.

“Which one of us is a better pair?” said Rose. Dave’s eyebrows lowered into what was probably some kind of frown.

“All I see is a meteor full of lesbians and a me full of I don’t care.”

“We will make him care,” said Kanaya softly.

“Damn right. Kiss me again.”

They kissed. Again. Dave exhaled in exasperation at what he had helped to create. He turned his attention back to his book.

That was the very moment that Dave Strider knew he would never catch a break for two years.


End file.
